“You have an unhealthy relationship with food,” Jason remarked, somewhat casually, after witnessing the satisfaction I got from eating a particularly crisp batch of crinkle-cut french fries.  And he was right.  But, just like an addict, I have everything under control.  No, really, I do.

As John Walker hammers home 2^37 times in The Hacker’s Diet, weight loss is incredibly easy.  Just consume less energy than your body requires to function, and your body will take what it needs from your fat stores.  It really is that easy — it’s staying on track that’s the tough part.  The longer I stay on Weight Watchers, the more weight I lose (down to 213 — only 2 more pounds to my 10% goal), but I’ve had to resort to some mental hacking to keep things interesting.

For one thing, the Weight Watchers “points” values are a slightly skewed calculation of (calories/50)=number of “points”.  The actual formula, which somehow inexplicably got patented, is this:

In the above, r represents fiber.  So up to 4 grams of dietary fiber are subtracted from the calculation.  What does this mean?  It means that you can essentially stuff your gaping maw with Fiber One cereal every hour of the day and, unless your stomach is the size of a large pumpkin, will never hit your points for the day.

More fun can be had by skipping a meal — yes, exactly what they tell you not to do.  I find that I can have a single yogurt for breakfast, then a lean lunch of grilled chicken and steamed veggies, and then I can eat pretty much whatever the hell I want for dinner.  This is not recommended and certainly not the most healthy way to diet.  It is, however, the most fun.  By front-loading all of my points toward a single meal, I get to revisit my young adulthood by making the trek to the best burger/dog joint in the entire world:  Superdawg.  Unhealthy front-loading means I get to enjoy a Supercheesie with a chocolate malt and still be under my points for the day:

Remember kids, it’s not a true Supercheesie unless the relish is NEON GREEN:

In addition to being one of the worst ways you can eat, front-loading is also the hardest to stay focused on.  I find that if I’m hungry — not a “I need food to live” hungry, but rather an “I’m anxious and want to calm myself down with food” hungry — I can just chug diet cokes until that feeling goes away.  No, I’m not a role model.

“You have an unhealthy relationship with food.” Yeah, well, I have no other vices. Maybe if I take up drinking, smoking, or drugs, I’ll stop coveting guilty-pleasure-food.

I am finally reducing my volume and mass, and all it took was a combination of several events that converged into a resonance cascade of motivation.  Let’s examine three big events in three small paragraphs.

One of my demoscene friends, RaD Man, went from being 30+ pounds overweight to running 10K races every weekend in about one year.  I know he got a new job in that time, and also got a Wii Fit, but his personal motivation isn’t really important:  He did it, and he looks fantastic.  He also recently got hit by a drunk driver while he was running — then got up and ran alongside the still-moving car, pounding on the door, until the lady stopped and police could arrive.  The twisted moral I take from that story:  Don’t get in shape so that you look good for the ladies; get in shape so you can survive getting hit by a fucking car.  (BTW, it’s looking like he didn’t break anything, thank goodness.)  While I don’t plan on getting hit by a car any time soon, it is an eye-opening reminder of why your health is usually the most important thing you should spend time on.

2009 is the year of my 20-year high school reunion.  I still carry emotional/mental/social baggage from high school.  Not all of the baggage is bad; a small portion of it is positive and wonderful.  But I still want to go to the reunion to gain some closure to that period in my life.  While it is unrealistic to think I can look younger than I am, I want to at least look recognizable.

One year ago, my friend Jason Scott took a moment to take a candid picture of me at a very happy moment in my life.  I had just arrived to Block Party 2008, and was very happy and excited to be there; I called Melissa to let her know that I had arrived safely and talk about how great the next few days were going to be.  Jason is a good photographer, and he had his digital SLR with him.  Here’s what he took:

By all measures, this should be a picture I cherish.  In reality, I am saddened and depressed every time I look at it.  I didn’t recognize this person, and even today I’m not sure I do.  I know that sounds melodramatic and stupid; I can see that even as I write the words!  But you have to understand that, until I saw that picture, my internal body image was that of me right out of college, fit and decent-looking.  It was a bit of a shock to realize that, yes, I was 60 pounds overweight, and my neck fat protruded farther than my chin.

The day I saw that picture (about a month after the event), I stopped gaining weight.  In December, I joined Weight Watchers.  Today, 3.5 months later, I have lost 20 pounds and continue to lose about one pound a week.  Assuming this rate continues, I will be under 190 pounds by the time my high school reunion rolls around, and I can live with that.

While previous attempts at losing weight and feeling better have been successful, I fall squarely into the 90% of the population who eventually give up (I prefer the term “losing interest”) and gain it all back. So I’ve decided to take things easy and make small, gradual changes meant to help me feel better. While weight loss will probably follow, it’s not the main goal. I have some severe life changes coming up in the next 18 months of my life and I want to be physically able to handle them. Mental ability will follow.

Every new month will bring about a change. “New month resolutions”, if you will. Should be fun.